Yesterday I had another meltdown. This is thanksgiving weekend, and I was looking forward to some relaxation time which is yet to happen.
Day before yesterday night, I'd slept at 3am. And yesterday it seemed like the entire day I was running through the endless cycles of pumping milk, feeding, preparing bottles or doing something else just long enough to start the cycle all over again. Besides, it seems like I'm spending so much time pumping milk that I feel like I spend most of the day topless. I feel so ridiculous about it!
I wonder when will I feel good about myself physically again. I wonder when, if ever, my husband will find me attractive again. Especially with so much skin display and toplessness. It feels counter intuitive to say this, I've always been someone who puts utility before cosmetic advantages; but I wonder when I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror just for the cosmetic look of my body(read: breasts!) and not just the utilitarian aspect alone.
The endless cycles of feedings and pumpings feel like such a chore that once I'm done with it, I no longer have the energy or inclination to have anything to do with the baby anymore. I feel like in the bid to have the milk physical available, I'm no longer emotionally available to my litle girl. Here-n-there when I do have time, I no longer feel like connecting with her: holding her or feeding her or playing wth her. I'm not physically tired the whole time, just emotionally so. And also, living my days in tight spaces of 2.5 hours windows, I keep thinking ahead as to how long I have befor the next chore begins.
Yesterday, when I say I had a meltdown, it was just like I'd had enough, and then some! I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's best for her. I know no other substiute is quite at par with breastmilk, but I also feel my emotional well being and connection with her is important too. How does one strike a balance there?
Actually things were beginning to settle down and fall in place just last week. I was finally beginning to get adjusted to he pumping. The milk supply was at a good level to be two steps ahead of her feedings, I had given up on stressing out about how much milk is being expressed, I was relaxed about the whole thing.
But then this infection came back. And I felt as if I'd been doing everything my the book and yet things were not working out. Husband tried to reason out but there was just too much frustration and exhaustion fogging my vision.
We were supposed to go to a close friend's place for her son-TK's 8th birthday but I didn't feel up to it either. Though I felt very bad about it, I called her up to cancel. And also broke into tears without meaning to. An hour or so later, the bell rang. They'd packed everything up, food and birthday cake included and come to check on me. When they left I noticed, her husband had rinsed all the dinner plates too before leaving. There aren't enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I felt! There was a poem I heard in school. Dont think I remember the entire thing; but it went something like- O Lord grant me that I may be understood,so as to understand. To be loved so as to love. To be forgiven so as to forgive. I was just reminded of that verse last night.
As for the pumping feeding rigamarole; I don't know what to change yet. I want to give Suhaana the best nutrition I can for as long as I can. But I cant pretend it's easy. And I don't know how long I can do it while keeping my emotional balance and sanity. At the end of the day, what nurturing am I providing her if I'm that frustrated the whole time.
Day before yesterday night, I'd slept at 3am. And yesterday it seemed like the entire day I was running through the endless cycles of pumping milk, feeding, preparing bottles or doing something else just long enough to start the cycle all over again. Besides, it seems like I'm spending so much time pumping milk that I feel like I spend most of the day topless. I feel so ridiculous about it!
I wonder when will I feel good about myself physically again. I wonder when, if ever, my husband will find me attractive again. Especially with so much skin display and toplessness. It feels counter intuitive to say this, I've always been someone who puts utility before cosmetic advantages; but I wonder when I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror just for the cosmetic look of my body(read: breasts!) and not just the utilitarian aspect alone.
The endless cycles of feedings and pumpings feel like such a chore that once I'm done with it, I no longer have the energy or inclination to have anything to do with the baby anymore. I feel like in the bid to have the milk physical available, I'm no longer emotionally available to my litle girl. Here-n-there when I do have time, I no longer feel like connecting with her: holding her or feeding her or playing wth her. I'm not physically tired the whole time, just emotionally so. And also, living my days in tight spaces of 2.5 hours windows, I keep thinking ahead as to how long I have befor the next chore begins.
Yesterday, when I say I had a meltdown, it was just like I'd had enough, and then some! I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's best for her. I know no other substiute is quite at par with breastmilk, but I also feel my emotional well being and connection with her is important too. How does one strike a balance there?
Actually things were beginning to settle down and fall in place just last week. I was finally beginning to get adjusted to he pumping. The milk supply was at a good level to be two steps ahead of her feedings, I had given up on stressing out about how much milk is being expressed, I was relaxed about the whole thing.
But then this infection came back. And I felt as if I'd been doing everything my the book and yet things were not working out. Husband tried to reason out but there was just too much frustration and exhaustion fogging my vision.
We were supposed to go to a close friend's place for her son-TK's 8th birthday but I didn't feel up to it either. Though I felt very bad about it, I called her up to cancel. And also broke into tears without meaning to. An hour or so later, the bell rang. They'd packed everything up, food and birthday cake included and come to check on me. When they left I noticed, her husband had rinsed all the dinner plates too before leaving. There aren't enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I felt! There was a poem I heard in school. Dont think I remember the entire thing; but it went something like- O Lord grant me that I may be understood,so as to understand. To be loved so as to love. To be forgiven so as to forgive. I was just reminded of that verse last night.
As for the pumping feeding rigamarole; I don't know what to change yet. I want to give Suhaana the best nutrition I can for as long as I can. But I cant pretend it's easy. And I don't know how long I can do it while keeping my emotional balance and sanity. At the end of the day, what nurturing am I providing her if I'm that frustrated the whole time.
I can totally relate to what you have experienced so far. I can tell you that it will get better. It is a big change and it is difficult to adjust to that change. Give it some more time and when you are over it and you look at your daughter and you will know its all worth it. Hang in there :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Neeta. It means a lot to hear that someone can relate to all that I'm feeling. And that there's light at the end of this long tunnel :)
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