Maybe this is an integral part of being a parent and working.. I feel guilty - about not spending enough time with Suhaana. About not doing enough things with her. About someone else taking care of her. Of just the fact that I'm not around for at least some part of her day. It is intense.
And there are two sides to this coin as well. I have a mind that needs constant prevalent engagement. I was off for 7 months when Suhaana was born. Before I took off for maternity I had some trepidations: I knew I was embarking on a very special journey, full of new adventures. But I had never been not working and not studying. I wondered how being out of the workforce will work out for me. It was a discovery process.
What I learned was that initially, when you become a new parent, life is such a fast roller coaster ride, you seldom get an opportunity for a moment of thought. There were times when I was brushing my teeth (for the 1st time that day) at 5pm. But then, with time, when things start settling in, the brutality of the repetition of chores starts taking it's toll - mentally and physically. There were times when I was on the phone with some of my friends and sobbing! I think it was also that the changes in life style had a certain level of unexpectedness to them. I wasn't prepared. But even then, once things settle down, life was much better. I look back at my maternity leave with some lessons learned, but mostly - happiness :)
What also helped me stabilize, was the fact that after things settled down, I used to take out a few hours (usually just 1 hour) every day for my side-project - technical side project. I wouldn't say I'm geeky enough to do coding "for fun". But, that 1 hour of engagement when I wrestle with technical issues, was enriching! It gave me an alternate reality almost, and I needed that get-away for a little bit.
So I guess what I'm saying is, these are both aspects that are important to me. Suhaana comes first for everything in my life. But me feeling like I'm in a balanced place where I feel challenged, is also important to me. The key is to find the right balance. Now if I can only find where I kept he key!
And there are two sides to this coin as well. I have a mind that needs constant prevalent engagement. I was off for 7 months when Suhaana was born. Before I took off for maternity I had some trepidations: I knew I was embarking on a very special journey, full of new adventures. But I had never been not working and not studying. I wondered how being out of the workforce will work out for me. It was a discovery process.
What I learned was that initially, when you become a new parent, life is such a fast roller coaster ride, you seldom get an opportunity for a moment of thought. There were times when I was brushing my teeth (for the 1st time that day) at 5pm. But then, with time, when things start settling in, the brutality of the repetition of chores starts taking it's toll - mentally and physically. There were times when I was on the phone with some of my friends and sobbing! I think it was also that the changes in life style had a certain level of unexpectedness to them. I wasn't prepared. But even then, once things settle down, life was much better. I look back at my maternity leave with some lessons learned, but mostly - happiness :)
What also helped me stabilize, was the fact that after things settled down, I used to take out a few hours (usually just 1 hour) every day for my side-project - technical side project. I wouldn't say I'm geeky enough to do coding "for fun". But, that 1 hour of engagement when I wrestle with technical issues, was enriching! It gave me an alternate reality almost, and I needed that get-away for a little bit.
So I guess what I'm saying is, these are both aspects that are important to me. Suhaana comes first for everything in my life. But me feeling like I'm in a balanced place where I feel challenged, is also important to me. The key is to find the right balance. Now if I can only find where I kept he key!
Being a parent is hard, being a good parent is harder, being a good parent with the very first child is nearly impossible. You are doing the impossible. Well done.
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