Remorse

Remorse knows no friends.

A couple weeks back little Miss Haana had a birthday party to attend. She and I were to go. We were especially looking forward to it since it was at an aquatic center. It was the end of September and likely the last visit to an aquatic center this year.

Little Miss Haana's friend had her cake cutting in the party room adjacent to the water area. We sang happy-birthday song  and ate cake.  After that, the fun was to move to the water slides! I had already changed the little girl into her swimming costume even before her party. So she was ready to go. I hadn't changed till then, but i made a mistake of opening the door of the party room, that lead to the water slides. As soon as the little girl saw the water slides, there was no pulling her back. I tried to reason with her to hold on for a minute till i can change, but that was not to be.

There was a kids area with just a few inches of water, and a fun slide with small fountains and loads of fun. Little miss Haana and her friends were busy having a blast in the area. There was also a big kid's area right beside and behind.

I was standing on the side watching the little girl and all the fun she was having. Usually i would want to jump right in with her, and have fun too, but this day i was content just watching her have fun with friends her own size.
After a while, i was catching up with some of my friends (also mom's of the kids in the party), and we all decided we must join the kids too.
And then we all went in to change.

When i came out in a couple minutes, it turns out the little girl had followed the other kid she had been playing with to a deeper section. The other kid had her dad with her. Miss Haana followed her friend, didn't realize the water was deeper, and was not wearing a life jacket. The other parents got her out of the deeper section, and that was right when i walked out of the changing area. She was out of the water, shaken up, a bit scared that she's done something wrong. Other parents came over to me to tell me what had happened. I only heard a few words in excerpts.

I immediately felt like i had made a huge blunder, letting her out of my sight. Everything except for her was a blur to me at that point as i hugged her tight for a long time. She cried. And i felt like crying too. I held her for a long time. But then, not wanting to leave the place on that low note, i asked her if she'll sit with me in the shallow water where she was having so much fun just a couple minutes back. She didn't want to, but i persisted.  She and i sat in the shallow water, she wasn't crying anymore. But as someone would come to check on her or ask if she's ok, she would be reminded of her ordeal and go back to the crying frenzy. I felt really bad, but was trying to put up a brave front. Finally she and i sat on the chairs next to the water for a minute. At that point, I knew, both of us had had enough for the day. We headed to the locker rooms to shower and change.

Thankfully, by the time we were in the shower and changed, little miss Haana was feeling much like herself again. But not me.

As we headed out of there to the parking lot  she asked me, "..why did you leave me mumma...". I felt like digging a grave for myself and jumping in. I was so remorseful and shaken up.  I was angry too. I was angry that she didn't listen to me to wait for a minute before going into the water so i could change first. I was angry at the other parents who did not watch her following the other kid into deeper waters. I was much more angry at myself, for allowing this to happen, letting her out of my sight at all. And finally also for feeling angry at her for being essentially a child. So much was going through my mind at that time- anger, remorse, fear, love.

When i started the car i just sat at the wheel for a couple minutes just to settle myself. Then i headed for the one place of comfort and eternal joy.

I drove straight to the ice cream shop. Little miss Haana and i picked out our favorite flavors, sat on the bench and finished our treats in silence. Healing at its silent best. That's when i told the little girl- I'm so sorry. I should never have left you even for a moment. I'm so so sorry. She kissed me and said she's sorry too. All is forgiven.  All is right with my world again.