The Sweet and Innocent

Little miss Haana was looking at a Christmas tree ornament this evening and she got all teary eyed. "I'll tell you when we are in bed", she said to me.

But, what if you forget?

What if you fall asleep? 

All my questions got the same answer.. "I wouldn't ".

Our Christmas tree has lots of ornaments. Some of them are traditional christmas ornaments. Some are small craft projects we've done over the years. The one little miss Haana was looking at was a craft project she did in kinder, a big peppermint candy with a picture of her 3 year old face smiling back.

She told me that when she looked at the picture of herself when she was 3, she looked so young, innocent and sweet. And now (all of 9!), she feels she's none of those things. She feels like she goes a little crazy sometimes and feels angry and mad and sad at times. And none of those things are sweet and innocent. 

Sometimes i wonder at this girl! I joke with her when she can't find things directly in front of her, that she got buttons for eyes. But, really, can she not see at all what i see when I look at her? This amazing, incredible, special person.. my golden girl! Can she not see how amazing she is! How can she not see it! This creative, ingenious, unique, courageous, outstanding person that she is.. everytime i think about it, i wonder how on God's green earth can such an amazing person be created. And i know 2 of such amazing people.. there's the little boy too!

Sometime back little miss Haana had asked me a curious question - was Einstein mostly genius or mostly crazy? And my answer was, sometimes its the same thing. You have to be crazy to bring into this world discoveries or creations that are so far removed from the norms we are used to. It is the same for very creative people, artists, musicians.. who created something that decades or centuries later, we still appreciate. They were crazy then, in their time, what we now recognize was their genius. 

I reminded little miss Haana of that conversation and told her this- sometimes big, forceful feelings and being extremely driven, creative and courageous are 2 sides of the same thing. Those huge forceful feelings can lead you to creative leaps that a logical tame mind cannot reach. But they can also lead you to go all crazy sometimes, too angry or too mad and out of control. The key is to understand and observe your self and learn what works for you and what doesn't. It is hard, of course. Its easier if your feelings are more easily controlled or tamer. It is very hard to control powerful forceful feelings, and sometimes that is not even possible. That is ok. Realize who you are, and give yourself some grace. 

In the quiet of the bedroom I can understand what she's saying perfectly. Partly because i live through her frustrations too. She had to have inherited her big giant impulsive untameable feelings from somewhere! If she doesn't crush herself with judgements or attempts at pleasing others, she can actually use them to soar. 

Fly!