Suhaana is 7 now. 7 weeks that is. And somewhere during the past week she made a few discoveries for herself.
The first one was smiling. While earlier she used to smile primarily in her sleep, I'm told newborns do that but it's generally just to pass gas; now, she does it while fully awake and engaged. In fact most of the time, it's when we're talking to her and swooning over her anyway. That's when she decides to try this little new lip twirling trick to send us over the edge head over heels, madly in love!
These days I'm always with my iPhone, which also doubles as a notebook for checking emails, and triples as a camera. Not an ambitious camera, but something to take instant photos and send across with without the hassle of rechargeable batteries, USB cables, charging chords, transferring photos etc. Anyhow, these days I'm always hovering with my phone (read: camera) in hand to click at just the right moment. Suhaana must have begun mistaking my face for the backside o the iPhone cover. And that thought just made me feel I should perhaps get a better cover for the iPhone!
The other discovery that the little girl has made is, that it's (unfortunately) more fun to stay awake and have people talking to her and make silly faces and coo to her, than to just play with her hands and legs or fall asleep. And that of course crying gets immediate attention ; but I think she learnt that much earlier on. gone are the days when she used to just cry when she needed a feeding and would otherwise be a happy little content baby. No more. Well, at least so far, she listens. She loves to listen in fact. So much so that she wants to be talked to most of the daytime hours. I hear, once kids start talking, they seldom listen! So I'm going to talk my heart out, before she gets a chance to change her mind about listening!
My precious little girl sure knows how to punch our buttons. How do children do that with such ease!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Monday, November 28, 2011
Did you know?
Did you know that one of the antibiotics prescribed for breast infection- cephalexin has an extremely strong bad odor? And I'm not talking about the vaguely familiar medicinal odor reminiscent of uncomfortable doctor's visits or hospitals. I'm talking really potent, full blast, haven't-gone-in-a-week kind of fart smelling bombs! Every time I open the medicine bottle, I actually look around to see if no one's close by. Even shoot an impulsive it-wasn't-me glance around to see if anyone else but me is swooning with the effects of this bomb blast.
Who knew!
Who knew!
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Feel Better
Yesterday I realised that a hair appointment and spending money go a long way in making me feel better. I'll remember that!
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Meltdown
Yesterday I had another meltdown. This is thanksgiving weekend, and I was looking forward to some relaxation time which is yet to happen.
Day before yesterday night, I'd slept at 3am. And yesterday it seemed like the entire day I was running through the endless cycles of pumping milk, feeding, preparing bottles or doing something else just long enough to start the cycle all over again. Besides, it seems like I'm spending so much time pumping milk that I feel like I spend most of the day topless. I feel so ridiculous about it!
I wonder when will I feel good about myself physically again. I wonder when, if ever, my husband will find me attractive again. Especially with so much skin display and toplessness. It feels counter intuitive to say this, I've always been someone who puts utility before cosmetic advantages; but I wonder when I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror just for the cosmetic look of my body(read: breasts!) and not just the utilitarian aspect alone.
The endless cycles of feedings and pumpings feel like such a chore that once I'm done with it, I no longer have the energy or inclination to have anything to do with the baby anymore. I feel like in the bid to have the milk physical available, I'm no longer emotionally available to my litle girl. Here-n-there when I do have time, I no longer feel like connecting with her: holding her or feeding her or playing wth her. I'm not physically tired the whole time, just emotionally so. And also, living my days in tight spaces of 2.5 hours windows, I keep thinking ahead as to how long I have befor the next chore begins.
Yesterday, when I say I had a meltdown, it was just like I'd had enough, and then some! I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's best for her. I know no other substiute is quite at par with breastmilk, but I also feel my emotional well being and connection with her is important too. How does one strike a balance there?
Actually things were beginning to settle down and fall in place just last week. I was finally beginning to get adjusted to he pumping. The milk supply was at a good level to be two steps ahead of her feedings, I had given up on stressing out about how much milk is being expressed, I was relaxed about the whole thing.
But then this infection came back. And I felt as if I'd been doing everything my the book and yet things were not working out. Husband tried to reason out but there was just too much frustration and exhaustion fogging my vision.
We were supposed to go to a close friend's place for her son-TK's 8th birthday but I didn't feel up to it either. Though I felt very bad about it, I called her up to cancel. And also broke into tears without meaning to. An hour or so later, the bell rang. They'd packed everything up, food and birthday cake included and come to check on me. When they left I noticed, her husband had rinsed all the dinner plates too before leaving. There aren't enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I felt! There was a poem I heard in school. Dont think I remember the entire thing; but it went something like- O Lord grant me that I may be understood,so as to understand. To be loved so as to love. To be forgiven so as to forgive. I was just reminded of that verse last night.
As for the pumping feeding rigamarole; I don't know what to change yet. I want to give Suhaana the best nutrition I can for as long as I can. But I cant pretend it's easy. And I don't know how long I can do it while keeping my emotional balance and sanity. At the end of the day, what nurturing am I providing her if I'm that frustrated the whole time.
Day before yesterday night, I'd slept at 3am. And yesterday it seemed like the entire day I was running through the endless cycles of pumping milk, feeding, preparing bottles or doing something else just long enough to start the cycle all over again. Besides, it seems like I'm spending so much time pumping milk that I feel like I spend most of the day topless. I feel so ridiculous about it!
I wonder when will I feel good about myself physically again. I wonder when, if ever, my husband will find me attractive again. Especially with so much skin display and toplessness. It feels counter intuitive to say this, I've always been someone who puts utility before cosmetic advantages; but I wonder when I'll be able to look at myself in the mirror just for the cosmetic look of my body(read: breasts!) and not just the utilitarian aspect alone.
The endless cycles of feedings and pumpings feel like such a chore that once I'm done with it, I no longer have the energy or inclination to have anything to do with the baby anymore. I feel like in the bid to have the milk physical available, I'm no longer emotionally available to my litle girl. Here-n-there when I do have time, I no longer feel like connecting with her: holding her or feeding her or playing wth her. I'm not physically tired the whole time, just emotionally so. And also, living my days in tight spaces of 2.5 hours windows, I keep thinking ahead as to how long I have befor the next chore begins.
Yesterday, when I say I had a meltdown, it was just like I'd had enough, and then some! I'm stuck in between a rock and a hard place. I want to do what's best for her. I know no other substiute is quite at par with breastmilk, but I also feel my emotional well being and connection with her is important too. How does one strike a balance there?
Actually things were beginning to settle down and fall in place just last week. I was finally beginning to get adjusted to he pumping. The milk supply was at a good level to be two steps ahead of her feedings, I had given up on stressing out about how much milk is being expressed, I was relaxed about the whole thing.
But then this infection came back. And I felt as if I'd been doing everything my the book and yet things were not working out. Husband tried to reason out but there was just too much frustration and exhaustion fogging my vision.
We were supposed to go to a close friend's place for her son-TK's 8th birthday but I didn't feel up to it either. Though I felt very bad about it, I called her up to cancel. And also broke into tears without meaning to. An hour or so later, the bell rang. They'd packed everything up, food and birthday cake included and come to check on me. When they left I noticed, her husband had rinsed all the dinner plates too before leaving. There aren't enough words of gratitude to express how thankful I felt! There was a poem I heard in school. Dont think I remember the entire thing; but it went something like- O Lord grant me that I may be understood,so as to understand. To be loved so as to love. To be forgiven so as to forgive. I was just reminded of that verse last night.
As for the pumping feeding rigamarole; I don't know what to change yet. I want to give Suhaana the best nutrition I can for as long as I can. But I cant pretend it's easy. And I don't know how long I can do it while keeping my emotional balance and sanity. At the end of the day, what nurturing am I providing her if I'm that frustrated the whole time.
Friday, November 25, 2011
Gotta Get Back
Spent some time with my 2 of my best friends (and their families) for Thanksgiving lunch. (As immigrants to the United States, friends are family, while family is so far away.) One of them is pregnant and is now in her 40th week. I didn’t want to say this to her - because it used to freak me out a little bit when I was in her shoes not so long ago, but it’s ‘anytime now’ for her. The other has two kids, an eight year old and a one and half year old. Nowadays when we meet up, it feels like we’re in different stages of parenthood. One of us has been there and seen that. We are just beginning to experience it. And one of us is yet to get there.
It’s funny how casual things have changed since we became parents. My friend asked me casually what I did since this morning. I answered: The night was somewhat long. We slept at about 1, then woke up at 3:30am. The husband fed Suhaana and I used the breast pump to express milk. She hardly drank and when she slept she woke right back up in minutes. Then I fed her, changed her. She didn’t sleep right after that. Soon it was 6, and I decided to pump again, till 6:30am. Then I slept. Then got up at 9:30am. Then pumped. Then we had tea and breakfast. I called up and talked to Mom. Then, I gave her a massage and the Husband bathed her. Then, I pumped.
By this time we were all laughing at how much my life is revolving around the pumpings and the feedings.. mostly pumpings. Also, by this time I realised what time it was, and that I needed to get back home for the next pumping. The joke is, that Suhaana can stay for longer (we had her 3 servings worth of milk in the diaper bag), but her mom is on a short leash and needs to get back.
We decided I need to get my best friend - breast pump along when we meet next so that Mommy’s leash is a little bit longer!
It’s funny how casual things have changed since we became parents. My friend asked me casually what I did since this morning. I answered: The night was somewhat long. We slept at about 1, then woke up at 3:30am. The husband fed Suhaana and I used the breast pump to express milk. She hardly drank and when she slept she woke right back up in minutes. Then I fed her, changed her. She didn’t sleep right after that. Soon it was 6, and I decided to pump again, till 6:30am. Then I slept. Then got up at 9:30am. Then pumped. Then we had tea and breakfast. I called up and talked to Mom. Then, I gave her a massage and the Husband bathed her. Then, I pumped.
By this time we were all laughing at how much my life is revolving around the pumpings and the feedings.. mostly pumpings. Also, by this time I realised what time it was, and that I needed to get back home for the next pumping. The joke is, that Suhaana can stay for longer (we had her 3 servings worth of milk in the diaper bag), but her mom is on a short leash and needs to get back.
We decided I need to get my best friend - breast pump along when we meet next so that Mommy’s leash is a little bit longer!
Thursday, November 24, 2011
I Got It Again..
Yesterday I got it again. Breast infection that is. I had my first tryst with mastitis (breast infection due to clogged milk ducts) when Suhaana was about 2 and a half weeks old. I was exclusively breastfeeding till then, but the infection changed that. Since then, me and my breast pump have become constant companions. We spend so much time together, we’ve gotten to know each other really well! But then I get this second bout of infection again.
Yesterday I was so miserable. Had severe chills, high fever, body ache like I’d been doing hard manual labor, and worst of all- splitting headache that wouldn’t go away even after painkillers.
But at least unlike last time, there was no surprise factor. As soon as the chills started, I pretty much knew what this is. The only surprise was, I thought everything was going well.
But then, that how everything with babies and especially breastfeeding has been so far, when I think about it.. Everything is subject to change at a moment’s notice. Even last time I thought everything was going well, she had been feeding well, gaining weight, latching on. Just when things were settling in, and I thought I had this covered, that things had changed. Same story this time, just when I had gotten over the anxiety about quantity of milk production, the frequency of expressing, the decision of bottle feeding, just when I’d started to relax into a defined rhythm of the expected, shit happened!
But anyhow, today I’m feeling much better than yesterday, so things are looking up. The strange thing is, breastfeeding is touted as all about bonding, but here I am spending time with my breast pump, while downstairs my mother in law and husband pacify my little baby and feed her and play with her. Nt that I’m not thankful for having the help I have, she would be quite a handful for me, even without the infection and with absolutely no help. But i do feel like I’m missing out on a lot of time with her, because I’m in charge of the milk department.
Yesterday I was so miserable. Had severe chills, high fever, body ache like I’d been doing hard manual labor, and worst of all- splitting headache that wouldn’t go away even after painkillers.
But at least unlike last time, there was no surprise factor. As soon as the chills started, I pretty much knew what this is. The only surprise was, I thought everything was going well.
But then, that how everything with babies and especially breastfeeding has been so far, when I think about it.. Everything is subject to change at a moment’s notice. Even last time I thought everything was going well, she had been feeding well, gaining weight, latching on. Just when things were settling in, and I thought I had this covered, that things had changed. Same story this time, just when I had gotten over the anxiety about quantity of milk production, the frequency of expressing, the decision of bottle feeding, just when I’d started to relax into a defined rhythm of the expected, shit happened!
But anyhow, today I’m feeling much better than yesterday, so things are looking up. The strange thing is, breastfeeding is touted as all about bonding, but here I am spending time with my breast pump, while downstairs my mother in law and husband pacify my little baby and feed her and play with her. Nt that I’m not thankful for having the help I have, she would be quite a handful for me, even without the infection and with absolutely no help. But i do feel like I’m missing out on a lot of time with her, because I’m in charge of the milk department.
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