And finally the day arrived. April 15th. Tax day, yes. But also marked in red on my calendar as the day I join back work. After a break of 6 months and 22 days. And ever since I'd committed to joining in on 4.15, the days have been rolling off at an even faster pace.
It's my third day back at work today, and even though the first day is supposed to be the hardest, it hasn't gotten any easier so far. In fact, I have a feeling this is going to get a whole lot harder. That is because while I'm doing just half days for the first two weeks, I'll move into the usual full day schedules from week 3, and that's when things would get busy.
That said, I do have a lot to be thankful for. I'm getting back to an excellent team - folks I've worked with, known and been friends with for a long time. I feel quite fortunate to know such good people and to work with them. My boss is someone who values me immensely and has been especially flexible towards all my requests and needs. I had been postponing getting back to work for quite some time now, but he's been very, very understanding. I also, requested to do only half days for the first two weeks, to ease into the work schedule and have someone watching the little girl. I feel like I'm getting back amongst friends.
Even so, the drive from home to work on day 1, was the bad. Since the night before, I felt so uneasy. It was as if I were going for a big test. I could barely sleep the night before. And that morning, I felt strangely numb. Little Suhaana was sleeping unaware. She'd gotten up several times during the night, and Raj had taken up the night duty. But as I was getting ready to leave, she was deep in her beauty sleep. Lying on her tummy, a cute little, inviting, cuddle-fest. Anyhow, I tried not to wake her up, and left before 8am.
At work, my team had, quite characteristically, hidden my work computer, and replaced it with a museum grade typewriter from the year 1830 (the latest technology desktop - they claimed), added 3 more telephone lines to make it look like the command center for all defects; and amassed a huge pile of documents-to-be-taken-care-of.. the "In" pile. We laughed about it for hours. Most of the day I answered questions about how Suhaana is. Leading right up to a welcome lunch.
Day 2 starting off was actually worse. The little girl was up, had just been fed (by Raj again) and was busy with her morning round of fun-n-games on the bed next to Raj. It was harder leaving her behind this time.
Day 3 morning was quite similar to Day 2. The tiny cuddle-ball had just gotten up as I was leaving at 6:40am. Just in time for me to smother her with kisses, as she gave me the are-we-done-yet look :)
I might sound a bit weepy, and though I'm glad to see all my good friends and great coworkers; it's still hard getting back to work. And though getting back to work, and into an active technical area was always a given for me, the real question being only when, and not whether; I still question if this arrangement is what is best for Suhaana. Especially as I look for and sift through the options of care centers and nannies for her from her 10th month. (My mom who gets here in 2 weeks, would leave by then.) Yesterday, I went to tour a montessory/care center for her; and I was reading some papers on their policies, that went into detail talking about how early parents need to pick up their sick child, and how long they must wait before they can send their sick child back to the center. Just the tone sounded like the child ends up being a pass-the-buck-liability between the center and the parents. I do realize I'm being overly touchy about this, but for anything else (including work), I wouldn't think of my child as a liability I need to manage between work. Meanwhile, the little girl has more smothering hugs headed her way as soon as I get off from work.
