Perfect Profile

The other day, I was watching miss Haana as she was busy doing something. I was watching her from the side, looking at the profile of her face, her nose, mouth and chin. And I thought to my self, just how perfect she is, so wonderful, so beautiful, so amazing. Whenever I feel this way, which is quite often, I feel like wrapping her in a bubble wrap so I can keep her out of everyone's reach; and strapped on to me.

I also remembered the day when i first saw her face in a profile. I was far along in the pregnancy and was having a scheduled ultrasound. She was laying on her side, and i saw her face on the grainy monitor: we could clearly make out her forehead,  nose, mouth, chin. It was surreal. But, that night i had a dream. I dreamt the little girl was born, but i couldn't find in my heart any love for her. She grew up loveless, uncared for, taking care of herself. And one day I was surprised (in the dream) to notice that she was now 5 years old and had glasses; and I hadn't even noticed or cared for her in all these years. I didn't love her, I didn't find her beautiful, I hardly even remembered her. I woke up with a start from the dream. And I cried. She shouldn't feel unloved, uncared for; I know how that feels. I hope I don't hurt her like that by being absent from her life. I hope both of us can see and feel in our hearts how amazing she is, how amazing she has always been. I cried for sometime and later blamed it on my wonky pregnancy hormones. But i still remember it clearly like yesterday.

Today, looking at her, i can't help feeling, my little baby (told her she will always be my little baby!), is absolutely, heart meltingly, gut wrenchingly, so completely - perfect!

Happy Place

Psst.. hahaha.. (giggles)

Little miss Haana giggled and laughed suddenly in her sleep. I figured it must be a dream. Filled with curiosity, i asked her, "What is it Gugu".
"Come on", she said, eyes closed, still asleep and evidently at a very happy place.
I wished to find out what was going on in the dream,  so i nudged, "Ok, I'm coming. But, where are we going?". Little Miss Haana, replied in earnest,  "Come on now". Encouraged I was getting some answers, I prodded, "But where are we going?".
But like a cliffhanger, the little girl turned around and no more answers are provided. Oh well, I thought.

Next morning, when I asked about the dream, the little girl remembered. She was skipping along on air, and jumping from cloud to cloud. I knew it! I know a good dream when I hear it!

I Want It

Little Miss Haana was sleeping this morning when she suddenly screamed "I want it!"

I was already up by then, so I jumped up and asked her, "What do you want Gugu? What is it?". But I got no answer.
Assuming the best, I decided she must mean that about a hug and a kiss, so I gave them both to her while she was still sleeping!

My Suitcase

The sweetest thing happened the other day. I switched off the alarm and was just fixing to get out of the bed in the morning. The little girl was sleeping next to me peacefully. Suddenly there was a loud scream. The little baby cried out -"Noooo"! I turned sharply to see what happened suddenly! Her eyes still closed,  in deep sleep she shouted "My suitcase!!"! 

Then she turned and continued sleeping.

:-)

The said suitcase is actually a purple and pink sunglasses' holder. The suitcase doesn't know it was made to hold sunglasses though. All the suitcase has seen or ever held is crayons, a small magnet dog, paper cards with strange animal photos (paper animals -they are called), and other such tid-bits that Mumma secretly schemes of getting rid of.

Blue Horse

Behold the blue horse!

Last night the little girl was fast asleep. Suddenly she turned and said "BLUE HORSE" and went back to sleep.

Someone has been visiting her in her dreams. I'm actually glad it's this cute thing.

What will you be when you grow up?

The other day we had company and Suhaana was asked 'What do you want to be once you grow up?'. It made me wonder..

When I was in middle and high school, parental pressure was rampant among my friends. I remember a distinct period when I used to feel the incredible weight of expectations and hope of parents riding on my report cards. Luckily for them, for the most part I was pretty serious about studies myself (I made up for it when I started bachelors, and realized I have to catch up for all the fun I'd been missing studying through high school!). So, their expectations became my own as well.

There was a brief stint in middle school when I thought I wanted to become a professional singer. My parents didn't really take my interest in music that seriously- it was just a hobby. My teacher at school was quick to point out (subtly I guess) that I don't really have that kind of talent to pull it off). Anyhow, that phase ended and I realized I need a real career.

Thinking back, I was wondering whether my expectations might ever be too much to bear for my little one. Even though I've always maintained I don't have any set expectations for her (we're talking about a new generation here, it's not like what I want will be relevant for our new generation kids!), do expectations have a way of creeping up without realizing?

Before Suhaana was born, Raj and I used to wonder what she'll be like. He hoped she be interested in sports so he can play with her. He dreams of being able to run around and play ball with her soon. Since he's good at sports, it's something he looks forward to: to share an interest with his child.

I want to enroll her in a music class when she's young; which she may or may not choose to continue depending on whether she cares for it or not.

I wondered, do these seemingly innocuous hopes and dreams transform into full blown heavy-weight expectations in time?
I hope not. I hope that we can continue hoping and dreaming for things, but still be open to alternative versions of what ultimately might become reality.