Breastfeeding 101

When you attend a breast-feeding class they usually start off by highlighting why breast feeding is the way to go. It's the best nutrition for the baby. It's the best way to loose pregnancy weight. It doesn't cost anything. But there's a lot that they wouldn't tell you. Here's what:

First off, it's hard, it's very hard. For most of us who lead a busy life involving, among other things, outdoor activities pre-delivery, being confined to a 24x7 nursing duty is not a walk in the park. In fact even a walk in the park becomes a big deal unless it also discounts for the possibility of nursing while walking in the park.

For all the professional advice they give you, most of it is extremely bookish. You know that because if you ask multiple people( care providers or lactation consultants) you get the exact same advice, exactly same words even. Its as if they all have read the same how-to book. If you try to follow all the advice thats given, you might end up doing only and exclusively feeding the baby, all day, every day. And that does not include anything else at all. I don't know very many people who can live like that. For starters, you'll atleast need to find time to eat yourself, because, you know, not eating right is detrimental for breastfeeding too. This gets me to the next problem:

A lot of advice we get is actually contradictory. Sleep when the baby sleeps, feed the baby when she wakes up. When are you supposed to eat yourself, bathe, groom, clean, cook or do any of the other activities that otherwise make you feel like a civilized human being.

Its a lot of work and sleeplessness. Not only to do the breastfeeding, but all the things that go along with it: expressing milk, washing bottles - its a lot of work. And much of it is in the middle of the night. And while one gets used to most of it with time, sleeplessness still takes a toll physically. But a bigger toll of breastfeeding is a mental one:

Parents want to do what is best for the baby. With all the emphasis on breastfeeding being the correct thing to do, and that breast milk being the best for the baby, breastfeeding seems like the thing to do. But it's not as straightforward as opening a formula bottle and feeding the baby. Breast milk depends in composition to everything the mother eats and drinks. This includes medication. But also, the nutrient value of the mother's diet. Even with the best intentions, many times, the amount of milk the body produces may not be exactly what the baby needs. At times, it may be much more: which makes one susceptible to breast infection due to clogged ducts. I'm the biggest proof of that even with the best intentions, everything may not go as planned with breastfeeding. Having gotten the infection twice, if anything is certain, it is that things are subject to change very quickly. (See: My Meltdown)

At other times, the amount of breast milk produces may be much lesser than what the baby needs, making it necessary to supplement with formula. But supplementing itself is not without perils. Most parents who're driven by this urge to do the best for the baby feel they're not being able to fit the bill and are invariably driven by guilt when using formula. In a stage in life where parents are even otherwise under enormous stress, with sleeplessness and having to deal with tremendous changes in their own lives, not to mention learning to handle and care for a new little baby, the stress of breastfeeding and the additional guilt of not being able to meet the needs is like the last blow.

And while none of these above factors are reasons of not breastfeeding. It does go to highlight some of the reasons that make it difficult. Not to serve as a reason to opt out. But instead, to state, for the record, all the factors that are not otherwise talked about. To give parents who're trying to do the right thing, and trying to give their babies the best things possible, a big pat in the back. Because by not mentioning how difficult breastfeeding is, we also omit how much effort parents, especially moms take to meet all the needs and go beyond. Instead of being guilt driven, I hope the parents and moms can reflect on how much they are achieving by just trying to do the best for their babies, and feel proud of themselves!

Meerkat

Suhaana is 10 weeks today and I just realized that I forgot to mention this:

In last couple weeks or so, she's gotten good strength and control over her neck muscles. So she can lift & support her head up and also move it from side to side.

Now when we feed her and coaxing her to drink just a little bit more she vigorously dodges the bottle by swishing her head side to side. It's very much like a dodge-ball game only with a bottle.

And then, when Raj puts her on his shoulder she lifts her head and peeks from behind him. Looking around and surveying the scene from the vantage point; she's a meerkat!

The One Thing I Hate Most

The one thing that Suhaana hates most is the long tunnel through which she's forced to put her hands through for no foreseeable reason - sleeves. While she's reasonably tolerant about a lot of things, she making her hand go through the sleeve is guaranteed to not go down well. I would have gone for an exclusive sleeveless wardrobe but it's winters.

The only other thing she hates as much as the sleeves is being interrupted in the middle of a feeding session. She gets pretty mad even if it's for a few seconds to get the other bottle. Such incompetence is not well tolerated! Her dad worries that she's not very patient. She'll need to learn to be more patient, he says. I just laugh. For now, she's busy teaching us patience.

The lesser said, the better

There is no bigger sense of frustration than seeing a bottle of freshly expressed milk fall on the carpet and dissipate into carpet dust. The lesser said about it, the better!

Vacation Plans

Raj and I were talking about our last vacation in Spain, and then we turned to future plans. Raj said maybe we can take Suhaana on a road trip in a few months. I said I already have big plans of taking her places.

I want to take her and go back to France and Spain. I want to take her to Prague - where we'd been planning on going last year but didn't - and listen to a symphony where Beethoven first performed. I want to go to Norway and her to meet her cousins. I want to go to Morocco with her too- that's the other place we were planning on going to last year but didn't. And then, when she gets older, I hope to rope-in one of her aunts to babysit her, while her Dad and I go and attend the Oktoberfest in Germany and the Tomatino festival in Spain :)

While we were talking about these future plans it struck me: Even before we realize so many dreams and hopes are born with a baby.. Before we even realize, lives are changed and dreams are born.

It reminds me of a comment one of my close friends made: we were arguing about abortion rights. I was arguing pro-choice (in places where social problems like female infanticide is not an issue). It's not like I condone abortion. But I feel it's not fair to a baby to be born to parents who don't want him/her. It should be every child's right to feel loved and wanted. To feel the warmth of loving care and affection. Why should they be subject to the cold feeling of being unwanted and a lifetime of feeling inadequate. There's research in psychology that suggests that a lot of what constitutes the inbuilt personality of a person is part of subconscious brain and develops in the first 5 year of life. And that's why the feeling of being taken care of as a child are important for the overall development of a person. But what kind of development are we talking about when even before being born, the parents don't even what the baby. Nobody should have to go through the feeling of being unwanted, least of all as a child.

It's not that I condone abortion. But parenting is difficult to get right even with best intentions and willingness. I can't imagine how wrong it could be without the love for your child to get you through the rough patches.

My friend had said, wait till you have a child of your own - you'll realize they have a distinct personality of their own before they're even born.

And that is true. While i am still pro-choice, and ironically more to protect the baby than the parents - My friend was right too: They do have a distinct personality even before they're born. And lives change at so many levels: not just what we do on a day to day basis, but down to the dreams we see with open and closed eyes and in the hopes for tomorrow. One child changes a lot!

News Flash - Discovery of this Week

Suhaana is over 9 weeks now and the news flash about her this week's discovery is over due:
This week she realized that other than making her fingers dance there's more that her hands can do: she can roll her fingers around something and hold things!

As I see it, it opens up a plethora of new possibilities. She can now hold toys and reach out to her friends(monkey and frog). But instead of doing either of those things, she had a more important agenda for her newfound skill.

Lately I've been putting her in a sleep sack in the night, to keep her warm and cozy. It's actually quite big in size for her, which is good because it gives ample space for her legs to kick around and not feel trapped (its been discovered in no uncertain terms that she doesn't appreciate being constrained). But since the sleep sack is too big for her, the sleeves are too long for her too. Her hands used to get lost inside the sleeves. Up until she discovered her new skill..

Now, as soon as she's put in her sleep sack, she holds on to the cuffs for dear life. She doesn't let go of them, no matter what! She sleeps, wakes up, smile, coo, laugh, feed, hang out, but never lets go of the cuffs of the sleeves. Now that's more useful than running around trying to catch them rattle toys and dangling wannabe friends!

What will you be when you grow up?

The other day we had company and Suhaana was asked 'What do you want to be once you grow up?'. It made me wonder..

When I was in middle and high school, parental pressure was rampant among my friends. I remember a distinct period when I used to feel the incredible weight of expectations and hope of parents riding on my report cards. Luckily for them, for the most part I was pretty serious about studies myself (I made up for it when I started bachelors, and realized I have to catch up for all the fun I'd been missing studying through high school!). So, their expectations became my own as well.

There was a brief stint in middle school when I thought I wanted to become a professional singer. My parents didn't really take my interest in music that seriously- it was just a hobby. My teacher at school was quick to point out (subtly I guess) that I don't really have that kind of talent to pull it off). Anyhow, that phase ended and I realized I need a real career.

Thinking back, I was wondering whether my expectations might ever be too much to bear for my little one. Even though I've always maintained I don't have any set expectations for her (we're talking about a new generation here, it's not like what I want will be relevant for our new generation kids!), do expectations have a way of creeping up without realizing?

Before Suhaana was born, Raj and I used to wonder what she'll be like. He hoped she be interested in sports so he can play with her. He dreams of being able to run around and play ball with her soon. Since he's good at sports, it's something he looks forward to: to share an interest with his child.

I want to enroll her in a music class when she's young; which she may or may not choose to continue depending on whether she cares for it or not.

I wondered, do these seemingly innocuous hopes and dreams transform into full blown heavy-weight expectations in time?
I hope not. I hope that we can continue hoping and dreaming for things, but still be open to alternative versions of what ultimately might become reality.

Resistant

In case you've been wondering about this for awhile. Or for future reference. From first hand research: babies are very smother resistant.

Still Some Ways to Go and Something To Smile About

Today I tried my loose-est jeans from pre-Suhaana days. It was a bold impulse.
And the result?
-- I got still some ways to go..

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Driving back home by myself at night. Raj called with just these 5 words:
"100.3" FM "Hotel California"
-- Something to smile about. Because when so much has changed in life the nostalgic memories of an old favorite brings sweet comfort. That someone would remember such small nuances, brings a smile.

"Dad, can I...." "No!"

Suhaana's first restaurant trip today. So far she's lived an ultra protected life: we've taken her only to a few friends' places, her doctor and occasional car rides. No malls, no restaurants, no crowded places full of strange people.

This day seems like a precursor of things to come.

The other day when I sent her latest pic to the family with the title 'Suhaana one day short of 8 weeks ' my cousin brother commented "And 16 years short of the phrase 'Dad can I take the car?'". Well, I may not have all the answers yet, but at least I know the answer to that one: NO.

The Inheritance of New Gifts

During a family conversation, the topic of noses came up. The inheritance of noses was used to build upon the family tree. And soon the conversation tilted towards comparisons, as a lot of family conversations do. Who's nose is better than who's and who inherited the nose from which ancestor.

At some point it was determined that Suhaana has inherited her nose from her dad; perhaps not the best choice given the wealth of ancestral options. While being no alien to hearing about these benign comparisons, it's the first time I heard them with reference to Suhaana. My reaction can be summed up as turning the blind eye.

When people say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, I think it's a big lie. Quite possibly fabricated by someone who didn't appreciate being on the short end of comparisons. What i think is, people have their own opinions about who they like or not, but I'm yet to find someone who thinks Brad Pitt is ugly; or Ms. Jolie for that matter (even though I can't stand her).

So, while I do see things like they are, I also feel my little girl Suhaana is the most perfect little thing. Even with an imperfect (read: sorta flat) nose. I wonder if this is some sort of a hormonal/chemical mechanism generated at child-birth, passed on to new parents so they are unable to find fault with their offspring (If so, I'm sure it wears off, 'cause its decidedly worn off in my parents!). But, it's not what she does (I already tell her what a naughty little kid she) it's just that, for now, for me, she just is the perfect little package.

And even though we usually forget to appreciate things we've had for a while, I hope my delight in this gift never grows old.

Never Thought I Will Say This

Till not so long back, never thought I'll say this.. But it's true..
Even her poop is cute :)
(Many thanks Ellen)

Suhaana is a socialite

Suhaana is such a socialite now, she wants to talk and be talked-to all the time. She even resists falling asleep so she can talk some more. She coos and smiles and laughs! She likes talking even more than her monkey friend who lives on the bouncer (she has only 1 toy friend so far.. Well she had a red frog friend too, but then dad broke him and then he was forgotten!... Gosh! Life is so easy at this age)

Calm Down

This post is out of sequence, but this story needs to be told. Last Friday was Suhaana's two month doctor's visit. I'd been counting days leading up to it like school kids count days left for final exams. She was to get her vaccinations in 3 shots and 1 oral drops. The last visit where she got 1 shot for Hepatitis B, had not gone very peaceful. She was pretty mad, and made no bones about letting it be known to all within a 100 yard radius. Her nurse had even commented that she's not in pain anymore, she's just mad. 'So who does she get her temper from, mom or dad?'. Raj and I looked at each other. I didn't want to admit it, and he did not want to be politically incorrect.

Anyhow, that was last month. And that was 1 shot. This was going to be 3 shots. And that time it was both Raj and me for the pediatrician's visit, this time it was going to be just me. It felt as much ad a test for me as it would've felt to her had she known or cared.

I packed 2 milk bottles good for two of her feedings and the pacifier, along with the usual diaper bag goodies and off we went. We'd just reached the doctor's office and Suhaana was still in the car seat that she started fidgeting and being just generally unhappy. I wondered did she remember the last visit? 'Of course not. But this wasn't going well and we're just getting started here.' I thought as her name was called by the nurse.

After the routine questions and weighing in by the nurse, the doctor arrived. And after the consultation, she explained what the usual side effects of the vaccine are. Basically we could expect possibly mild fever or achy legs which would then translate into fussiness.

The nurse came in with the vaccines. I singed an electronic form for consent to administer the vaccines and took a seep breath. She started with the oral vaccine. And then 2 shots in 1 leg and the third in another. Suhaana was all red in the face and crying at his point. In fact looking at the nurse jab the needles into her, I was sweating and almost wincing in pain myself. The nurse was asking me where I work and when I intend to go back to work. "Huh? Ahem. Umm" were my initial responses as I tried hard to focus on her conversation while looking at poor baby Suhaana cry in pain.

As soon as she was done, I picked the little girl up and pacified her. To my surprise, she was quiet almost as soon as I took her in my arms. I was expecting hours of crying and fussy spells. But here she was braving through it all with but a few minutes of crying. I was so proud of her!

As I put her back in the car seat and loaded the car seat in the car, I felt this wave of relief. I took Suhaana for a drive to calm her nerves. Quite possibly to calm mine as well!

The Perfect Storm

I haven't blogged all weekend but not because there wasn't much happening. Quite the contrary. Raj and I are just recovering from the perfect storm.

Saturday was going down as a pretty agreeable day. Raj, Suhaana and I came back from an outing at our friend's late evening. Raj and I were tired and Suhaana looked like she'd played an awful lot and might be ready for a nap. She has 3 to 4 hour stretches in the night these days.

She fed around 11:30 and then we were all set to call it a night by 12:15am or so. Lately Suhaana and I have been co-sleeping. It's not been so much of a policy decision as just a relatively more convenient route. But that night we decided to put her in her crib- not a stranger to her crib, but it has been a couple weeks since she's used it. I thought perhaps it's time for Suhaana and her crib to rekindle old friendships and spend more time together. I was also scared that too much of co sleeping may be setting things up for a longer and more painful transition to the crib later. So, we took the decision, put her in the crib and called it a night. We were both dead tired.

At 2:20am I heard some mild grunts and squirming noises. Nothing overly unusual. Suhaana is not a quiet sleeper, so I wasn't alarmed, but just hoped she'll just go back to deep slumber. Such a hopeless optimist or maybe just desperately wishful thinker.

In a few minutes it suddenly started.. like a tornado. Full blast, high pitch crying; so loud that we felt a train just hit us. We both got up, trying to figure out what happened. Tried to pacify her, tried to feed her, tried to get her warmer, the crying was persistent. I started diaper-changing but it was difficult to focus with the world-has-come-to-an-end bawling. More than anything else I just got so worried because her crying made me feel like she's in some kind of chronic pain.

Finally after she was changed (diaper and clothes) and fed a full bottle of milk that it seemed like the storm had passed. She calmed down and was back on her best behavior like nothing had happened. Raj was not convinced. He put her down in the bouncer and started giving her a good talking-to: 'This is not good. Why did you cry so much? Milk was just round the corner, you could've told us as you usually do that you're hungry.. What's with this crazy crying spell?'. With all the sleep deprivation and exhaustion, irritability is but rational. While he was talking to her, she was just calm and staring right back at him. I was already telling him that that's enough now, when she smiled at him. Just a crack, just one twitch. Both Raj and I burst out laughing, just rolling over ourselves in love with her.

I guess that's all girls have to do to melt their dads. As for melting their moms, I don't think they even have to do that!

Scheduling Dilemmas

Life is all about scheduling these days; what comes first, what can be done later; in the order of priorities; in the order of time frames and time taken; and in the order of what can be efficiently outsourced (read: help).

But it hasn't all been busy without a moment of down-time. Since last week I have been trying to sneak in a half hour of relax time or power nap in the afternoons. And i might add, it hasn't been without some level of guilt either. But I have to say, a world of difference in attitude and outlook can be achieved with even a half hour of sleep or rest; even in acute sleep deprivation. On days when I couldn't get rest at all, evenings used to find me .. lets just say not-happy. But even a short power nap feels much better.

On the other hand last 2 days now, I've been trying to go for 30 minute walks in the evening. And that helps too. I went for my first outdoor walk in last 8 weeks yesterday. It was a bit chilly, the wind nippy and it reminded me of all the times I used to go for my runs in sub-zero temperature, by rainfall, sleet or snow.

Finally it feels that my legs and body is not rusting away. Plus some physical activity helps with the pesky, persistent leg aches I'd been having. My legs are funny that way: they ache when they do not get a workout. All in all a little outside air does wonders at multiple levels.

But with life as busy as it is, my schedule barely allows for a 30 minute window on good days. I have to make a choice: it's either a power nap or a walk. Not to mention there are days when neither is feasible. Now if only I could somehow squeeze in both and schedule them both in the same 30 minute window.

Sleep-walking?

When you point 1 finger at someone..

When you point one finger at someone there are 3 more pointing back at you.
This was the first line of a song I learnt back in school. The lyrics go on to say what the middle finger is saying and what the ring finger is saying; I must not have been listening 'cause I don't remember. But, it's apparent that Suhaana doesn't agree with the song at all.

Ever since her newborn days (she's going to be 2 months old now! Can scarcely imagine where time is flying) she uses to always hold the index finger of both her hands out. As if she's pointing at something, anything. Or maybe she's giving instructions: 'This is how you should be changing the diaper'. Or maybe she needs some more time: 'Just gimme one more minute with this pacifier; I promise I'll be done in 1 more minute'. Or maybe it's her do-not-disturb sign: 'I'm busy with this bottle now, your cooing and talking is just distractive and mildly annoying, just go and sit over there( finger pointing)'.

I've rankled my brain trying to figure out what the finger pointing means. Till I noticed her toes. They're usually wide apart from each other. Each toe stands out like it's got nothing to do with the other four. It's like crying out 'I'm not with them!!' I figured, the index finger and her toe fingers are just not a friendly lot. See for yourself!

Do you really wanna know?

Horror Show

Yesterday wasn't a good night. And it wasn't even that the little girl was getting up too often.

It started in the evening. While Suhaana, her dad, grandmother and I were hanging out in the evening, TV was playing in the background. And they were screening the Indian movie 'Darna Zaroori Hai' (translates literally to 'Need to be Scared').

I wasn't paying much attention to the TV, but the movie was kind of interesting as most decently made horror movies are. I ended up watching more intently than I intended to. In the movie, an old haggardly woman stays in the middle of a lonely jungle in an old dilapidated house. 6 kids who are on a school outing get lost in the wilderness and end up at the house. The woman starts to tell the kids stories and after each story one of the kid gets up to use the bathroom or drink water or some such thing, and ends up dead.

While watching the movie, it was just vaguely interesting. By then I hadn't realized that I get up at-least 2-3 times in the dead of the night!

So, in the night, when I got up to either feed baby Suhaana or to express milk for her, I couldn't help but remember the old witch with crazy eyes the size of footballs! I tried to check news sites or check if any other friend out there updated their Facebook status at 3:30AM, just to chase away the freak thoughts.

I was wondering do babies feel scared of anything? I think not. They get startled all the time. Folk lore says that when babies dream (and they do dream, that part is scientifically proven) , they actually see or remember incidents from their past lives, and if they're unpleasant they get startled. My parents told me that one. I'm not one who believes in such folk tales, but I still find them interesting.

Hindu religion talks about life and death and rebirth. I find the whole concept so interesting.. If we carry traits and also both good and bad credit of the past life into then next one; then I wonder if there's a correlation between present relations (friends, lovers, or just people we click with) and the past forgotten ones. Or if there's a relation between current traits and those in the past life, then wonder who and what I might have been! It's just an entertaining thought.

If you're wondering, attaining the love and understanding of the all pervasive and loving God is the key to break the cycles of life-death and rebirth. Seems like I went off in a tangent. Anyhow, none of this makes for a good night bed time story. No more horror movies for me!

Taking too much credit?

It's been 8 weeks and even today I find myself marveling at this little thing. 'how did we manage to create something so beautiful and precious!', I wonder. But then also feel I'm giving us too much credit. There's something so beautiful and amazing about life, that the scientific explanation of interactions of proteins and amino acids just doesn't seem enough. It makes me believe in God.

How about some workout?

Suhaana is going to turn 8 weeks tomorrow and it occurred to me, it might be time for me to start some physical activity. In my school the physical education teacher used to make us do arm rotations, shoulder rotations, ankle rotations, pelvic rotations etc. I was doing those today and could almost hear my joints creaking for inactivity.

Of course the real activity is to figure out when in the 24 hour period to squeeze time for this activity!

Suhaana 1 day short of 8 weeks today.

Suhaana having fun with her dad. Gone are the says of self sufficiency and self entertainment.
Now she needs constant audience!
1 day short of 8 weeks today.




Sent from my iPhone

Brand New Baby

My closest friend just had a baby boy. We went to the hospital to see him. Holding the newborn is my hands reminded me of the day when Suhaana was born:

It was an unplanned c section, and not without anxiety. But as I was lying on the OT under local anesthesia, I heard her first sound, a muffled cry initially. I looked at my husband Raj and his eyes just glowed in excitement. But I still hadn't seen her yet. Then, finally, I caught a glimpse of her as 3 nurses buzzed around her. She was crying out loud now, and Raj was hovering over her.

The moment when I first caught a brief glimpse of her is something I'll never forget. I felt such complete awe... Just absolute bliss. 'Oh my God, she's so unbelievably beautiful' - was my first thought. That brief moment is forever engraved in my memory. A moment of such absolute happiness and joy.

I waited in anticipation as the nurses did their initial tasks of cleanup and medications on her and Raj hovered like an excited school kid. Those few moments were perhaps the longest minutes of my life! I was still on the OT table when Raj did place her close to me. I just melted, she was so unbelievably tiny and cute.

When they were wheeling me to the room, the nurse was pushing my bed asked me if I was tired. I said 'no, I'm just so excited!'. I couldn't wait to hold little Suhaana in my hands again.

That first night, the entire night, I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I couldn't sleep a wink all night, cause I couldn't bear closing my eyes and not seeing her. I was in such complete bliss, and so much in love!

And even today, every time I see her, I feel the same rush of crazy love emotion. Sometimes when she's fast asleep I plant huge kisses on her. She just twitches at the momentary annoyance and goes right back to sleep.

Do I need help or not?

It wasn't easy getting here, but I did finally reach the conclusion that I need household help now with Suhaana.
I used to, and still do, wonder how people with no outside help manage.

How do they do it? And why can't I, if they can. Ultimately, after wrestling with it for awhile, I decided, I am who I am, I value my health enough to get help when I need.

Anyhow, I soon stumbled upon another perplexing issue. I got help so that I have someone who can take care of Suhaana for a few hours a day, so I can get some household chores done or take a break. But, I soon realized I don't like anyone from outside taking care of my little girl.

I feel so protective; as if anyone from outside wouldn't be doing a good enough job, and wouldn't be doing it quite right. That and, I feel too possessive of the little girl to appreciate any outsider getting too close to her. I say outsider, because I don't include family or close friends in this predicament. It's strange and unexplained in the sense that the whole reason of getting help was to help me get a break. But when I did get the help, I don't want the help helping out!

I'm pretty sure I need the help, but do I want it is the question.